I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
