News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
So squirting runs in the family.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
