ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
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