wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
if only i could text you this smell
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
