Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
