She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
