I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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