If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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