I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
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