My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
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