If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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