i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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