You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
