The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
