go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Randomize
