Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
This house was built for laser tag.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
