Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
