maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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