I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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