This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
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