Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
