last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Randomize
