I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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