I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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