awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
