what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
