speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I'm gonna fight the coyote
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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