I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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