got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
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