How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
