in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize