I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
