my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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