My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
