The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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