some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
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you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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