I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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