I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
