I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
We left the knife in your bed.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
