And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
