giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
