Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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