New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I didn't notice because vodka
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
After tacos, we're chasing women.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
