dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
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I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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