How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
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