i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Randomize
