The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
