I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
