I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Randomize
