Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
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