God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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