I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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