Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
