I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize
