was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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