I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Randomize
