as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
