My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Randomize
