Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
