there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
only you would photoshop your dick
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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