my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
