The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
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mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
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I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
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