he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
