My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
