Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
