Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
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